My tears roll down like razorblades.
No, i'm not the one to blame.
Its you or is it me ?

We're kinda over. I don't know. All i know that you said fucking hurtful stuff to me. Stuff you shouldn't say to a girl. You cannot insult me like that. You wanted a break up on that monday night i called you. You even emphasized on its YOU want a break up. You said you're sick of me. Then you started to say those nasty stuff. I deserve that ? I don't think so. Even if you're so tired and feel like sleeping, you don't have to say those words to hurt me. Purposely. Its not the first time you did this to me, love. For multiple times, you said them to me. Even kai can tell you to stop saying all these to me when we quarrel. Everytime we quarrel, kai would be there to scold you and let you realise your mistakes. But i don't think he will this time. What could he say ? He said the same thing to you on the previous times. Then you make the same mistake again and this time you even brought the whole nasty stuff to a new level. Kai did all he can to always help you. But you did not make an effort to try and change.

I'm not saying i'm a wonderful girlfriend. At least i'm faithful. I don't go around and ogle at guys on the street like how you ogle at girls on the street, out with me. I know i'm violent, okay very violent. But i don't get agressive when you don't provoke me. But i know sometimes i shouldn't used so much strength. I'm sorry about the pain i made you feel. Then again, i wouldn't get agressive when you do nothing wrong. I wouldn't hit you when you're sitting at there not disturbing me. But you're like always beside me, squeezing my fats, telling people how fat am I. Or you call me fatso, infront of all my friends. Yea the first time of the name calling was good and funny. I laugh. But not the subsequent time. You say this all the time to me. I've hit you and even talk to you real nice to stop calling me fat. But you insisted. Do you even care how i felt ? On that Monday night, you even said that i become so fat that nowadays you feel ashamed even when you're out with me. I don't get it, am I really sosososososo fucking fat ? I don't think i'm slim. But not fat to the extreme that people will feel ashamed when they're out with me. I'll cut out the part where you said the most hurtful stuff to me.

Yesterday you tell kai that you were sad. But when you came up to John's house. You make no attempt to talk to me. Neither did you apologised for what you said. I didn't receive any single text from you after that night after you said hurtful stuff. So who are you kidding by saying that you're sad. Even when all these stuff happened, even after all the things you said to me. You still wanna come and disturb me. You asked kai to scare me from the back when i was watching a movie. See, you never learn your mistakes. Its not that you don't know. You know that i hate it. You can even tell kai to go up my back and scare me and told kai that i would confirm get angry and scold him. So it seems like you purposely want to do things to provoke me or get me heat up.
Not only me talk to you to stop, even my friends can see that you're really getting on my nerves and pushed me to my limit sometimes. They told you to stop too. But you carry on. I don't know how i can make you learn. Its not something i can do. It always seem that whatever i don't like, you try to push your luck and go ahead and do it purposely.

I remember talking to you for 1 and a half hour to brainwash you not the beat guyA when you confront him the next day. I told you to talk things nicely. I gave you so much reasons why you shouldn't. You said you finally understand and you won't do it. Then the next day, after school you called and say you hit the guy. But its not guyA but guyB. Your reason for hitting him was because his face very xialan. So what is this ?! After all the talking and shit. You went ahead to hit another person ?! You tend to listen to other people, but not me. You don't heed my advice.

I don't know what i can do to help our situation anymore. I'm so fucked up. I don't feel like doing anything about it. After all you said to me, you expect me to be the one crying back to you and ask you not to leave me ?! Hell no. I have my pride and i know that i'm not in the fault this time. I never said hurtful words to you like how you do all the time. I'm fucking piss, angry and terribly sad at the same time. If you loved me as much as you said, then you wouldn't have hurt me like i ain't shit. The thought of the sutff you said just shatters my heart. It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart. I can't take all the pain that i feel. Now on the inside it feels like i'm dying. I didn't think you would ever do me like this. I thought you would accept me for who i was and love me for what i was and not feel ashamed when you're out with me and even regard me as one of *them*.





You've been wonderful and all that it is. You treat me like a godness and shower me with love and care most of the time. I love you so much. You're not careful with you words. I don't know why you wanna say all that to me. That makes me hard to let you go. A part of me wanna let you go for saying all that, but another part of me hates to let you go for all the good times we spent together. I don't have the strenght to give you up. But i think i should. I miss you, love. Why all these ? ):

I felt so hurt , i cry. Till i'm shaking from the pain thats in my head. I just wanna crawl into my bead and close my eyes to make me forget the pain temporarily and the throw away the life i led.

Special thanks to Jas Kai Jon Weiqiang for talking to me and making me feel better. Thank you for accepting and loving me for who i am.